Paradise Lost in 21st Century Prose (story)

Vikram Seth wrote at least a couple of books in verse, and they were pretty good.

Conversely it would be fun to have John Milton do Paradise Lost in prose/fiction - not instead of poetry. It is inspiring and daunting as it is. Just in addition. (Well, he has been dead now for a while, but perhaps he could pen something posthumously.)


Imagine:

Satan and his gang are seated in hell. Since they have never had actual bodily shapes before, there is some exploration taking place. One male fallen angel says to Satan, "Hey, man, what the hell is this?" He holds something in his hand.

"Oh for goodness' sake," Satan says contemptuously, "that's your male member."
"My what?"
"It's what you use when you feel like wanking off or making the object of your affections very happy."
"I don't know what you mean," the confused male angel says.
"Gog," Satan says to one of his squad leaders, "show Anneus here what one does with it."
Obligingly Gog takes out his member and starts to push it with his thumb, then rub it from the base.
"You try," Satan tells Anneus.
Anneus pushes his organ with his thumb, then starts to rub it from the base. "Wow," he says. "This is cool. But why is it growing and why do I feel as if hot needles are pushing through me? Is it because we're in this Hell place?"

"You can't do this in Heaven," Annie Gog, one of the female fallen angels, says. "Shall I rub it for you?"
"Please."
Annie rubs Anneus's member up and down. Anneus looks in surprise and then gasps. "I don't understand why- " He stops as his stream flies up, then onto the floor. "Why did it do that?"
"How do you feel?" Annie asks.
"Good," he says.
"Would you like to touch mine?"
"You have one, too?"
"Not exactly," Annie says. "But I have something else." She places Anneus's hand on her vulva, then puts his finger on her clit.
"This feels weird," Anneus says. "Kind of slippery."
"It is," Annie agrees. "But it feels good if you touch it."
"Really," Anneus says, pushing Annie's clit and making her moan.

"Oh, for heaven's sake," Satan says as he walks back to where many of the angels have now discovered their organs of pleasure and what they can do. "This is meeting time, not play time. How are we ever going to revenge ourselves on God, who has sent us here by tossing us out of heaven?"
"You meet and plan revenge." the fallen angels tell him. "It's fun having a shape and being able to do weird things. Maybe God wasn't so unfair as we first thought."

"Wanks and slackers," Satan fumes. "I get thrown out of Heaven with a tough strong bunch, and what do they do? They start screwing. This must be God's revenge on me."

He walks off to explore the limits of the realm of hell. But he is to have a no privacy. A female fallen angel runs after him and says, "Satan, baby, I want you." She points to her newly acquired place of pleasure.

"Oh, what the hell," Satan grumbles and proceeds to take out his own member, which is five feet long and covered with spikes. He pushes the former female angel down on the ground and starts to rub her new breasts and bite them.

"Ohhh..ohh," she moans.

"Make me sweat," he whispers to her, and brandishes his new, fearsome member.

"You have great thorns," she whispers back as she takes his long thing in her hands and rubs it against her vulva.

"Yeah," he says sarcastically. "That's me - Satan with the great thorns." He sighs. Then he pushes into her gently. "Ohhhh!" she yells.

"Nothing like a long prick in hell," he says, and proceeds to push harder. The female fallen angel screams in pleasure.


Up in heaven, God looks down and sees the fallen angels going at it with each other. "Heavens, they're strange," God says to her lieutenant angels. "I can't believe I made them."

"You didn't make them," an angel says.
"How could anyone else make them?" God asks, annoyed.

"They didn't," the angel replies. "That's what they turned into when they acquired bodies."

"So my thought made them into that?"

"Sort of. It's like putting something in the freezer when it's soft. It becomes hard."

"Don't go all 20th Century on me," God says. "I can't believe my thought made that whole thing."

"Maybe you should stop thinking for a while," the angel says.

"God forbid," God says. "Then all the heavens would collapse."

"Don't stop them," the angel says. "Just give them a vacation."


So God stops thinking the heavens. But She gets a headache and has to lie down. Angels fan her.

When the headache stops, she goes to the heavenly bathroom. When she comes out, the planets are spinning in their orbits.

"You  forgot to wipe," the angel says.

"No, I didn't," she says. "But I did have to pass a lot of gas."